'Coming out' in the world of music - or maybe not

This post is about Sarit Hadad, a famous Israeli female singer who has only recently come out as a lesbian in 2021. 🏳️‍🌈 Most of her fans already thought she was gay and were wondering how long it would take for her to tell us something we all knew. When Sarit came out a couple of years ago some were thrilled others were annoyed. Pleased she had finally said it, less pleased she waited so long. Those in the latter group felt that by not coming out earlier she was somehow giving the impression that being gay was a negative thing to be and had overtones of shame. 

I feel this is all rather harsh. Better late than never, they say. She has two young daughters Noya (2017) and Shira (2020) and has revealed who her partner is: Tamar Yahalomi. 

So was Sarit strategically not saying because she was afraid it would hurt her career? Possibly. And is she wrong to think that? Possibly not! Now she's an established star of course no-one cares but if she was starting out, would she reach the same level of success or even get her career off the ground if she was 'out'? At only 44 she's still very young but has been on the scene for a long time. I can appreciate just what a difficult decision it is. 

Just because you're gay you don't feel any different from anyone else. You're a human being with the same feelings, concerns, problems and dreams as everyone else. The only difference is you fall in love with the same sex. Well, women have been doing that since the beginning of time, so what's the big deal? The problem is other people won't let you just be you. They pry into your personal life and try to find out personal details they have no right to know. 

There is no right time to come out but nevertheless it's the wrong time when someone forces it out of you. That's happened to me twice already. Once at university and, shortly afterwards, at a progressive synagogue. Both times it was a person who was head of something directly relevant to me. Both times I was annoyed that I was put into that position especially since both were men. And one who was apparently Jewish and gay and married to a man. He asked me who my "ideal man" is, there was a pause, then my mother looked at me and exclaimed - but you're gay, darling! To which I added, you, ie the man asking. He was confused and replied: but I'm gay and married! I said, exactly, a very gay-only man who isn't interested in women/me romantically or sexually because I'm a lesbian who isn't interested in any men. He didn't make any attempt to matchmake me with any gay women, he just lost interest in the conversation, which is odd given that he's supposed to be gay and in a leadership role for young adult socials and networking. Besides, matchmaking is something progressives claim they disapprove of orthodox Jews doing! And it clearly was a heterosexual matchmaking attempt because he only asked right after I saw him leave a social for several minutes to talk privately outside the event room to a guy who was trying to chat me up but was struggling badly. I had originally assumed he was gay because he said he had a boyfriend but then he apparently broke up with him and then claimed he didn't identify as gay because he doesn't like labels. Then he apparently suddenly had to move so needed a temporary place to stay, and was angling to move himself in with me and my mother. Not only was that generally out of the question, we barely knew him! 

I was already 'out' so didn't see why I had to keep coming out time and time again, especially since I'd already told a female rabbi (and a gay guy who wanted to start an LGBT+ group at the synagogue but was unsuccessful) so why would a gay man assume I'm straight? Besides there were no gay women at this synagogue despite advertising themselves as gay friendly. That's statistically impossible over a couple of years or so. If there were gay men they tended to hold positions rather than be part of the congregation. Certainly my time was worse there once it became public knowledge I was a lesbian, including harassing me over my singing talent, despite it being hugely popular with the congregation who were beginning to ask questions as to why the synagogue wasn't making use of my musical ability and training and had just started to pressure the synagogue to employ me, for example, in their choir. 

In the end you think to hell with it. I'm tired of judgemental heterosexuals who hold a superior than thou attitude towards homosexuals and gender non-conforming people (especially if genderfluid). The female rabbi that knew I'm a lesbian also knew I'm genderfluid/non-binary eg I wore a male tallit and kippah, enjoyed a special lesson given by a female rabbi on how to put on tefillin. This class was for anyone. I wasn't the only woman by a long way! I asked one of the female rabbis if I could wear a tallit katan (with the tzitzit out) to synagogue but she didn't like the thought of that and once she knew my mother and I were wearing male tallits (they're also the ones on sale in shops because the shops cater for orthodox Jews) and kippot she, and a few others, who worked at the synagogue became against it. The rabbi didn't mind feminine flimsy tallits as much but was hugely against the Women of the Wall tallit despite it obviously being a women's one, albeit a feminist one about religious gender equality. How ironic for a female rabbi working in progressive branches! Gender equality is supposed to be part of their approach.

So I do understand why Sarit might be reluctant to come out. She may have come across various problems and pressures she hasn't told us about which meant she didn't want to come out earlier fearing it would make things worse. 

Then there's not just the fans to consider but also her agent, manager, record label and so on. And that's assuming her family are supportive. Families can be dreadful. Ian McKellen also stayed in the closet as long as possible. Although the theatre world knew he was gay. 

In that sense Sarit is not unusual. And times are not that different. Universities in the 21st century should be relaxed about gay students but I was constantly harassed during my time attending one. It even affected my studies to the extent that I couldn't undertake a dissertation with a woman lecturer who had expertise on a 17th century lesbian philosopher, Margaret Cavendish. If that's not homophobia, what is? Cavendish is widely researched by other disciplines such as English Literature, so she's hardly risqué. And why am I stuck with yet another male lecturer. My personal tutor was a man who couldn't possibly understand the experiences of a lesbian so was totally unsuitable and then I had a male supervisor for my dissertation in a field he's not an expert in.

However, the music world is also still lacking LGBT inclusivity. In the pop world it's marginally better than the classical world which still hasn't heard of gay people. Yet, gay people are often very creative and tend to go towards creative careers. So if, like in classical ballet, you keep weeding out gays you are losing a pool of talent and causing a great deal of unhappiness and harm through discrimination. Not that the academic world is any better!

It's high time we reached zero discrimination and allowed people to be who they are and be given opportunities to do what they love doing and are good at. We talk about levelling up but we never talk about levelling up between gay and straight people. 

So good on Sarit for coming out, even if tentatively. I empathize and urge people to be supportive of her otherwise you are causing her suffering and it may also have the knock-on effect of discouraging others from coming out especially if they've waited a long time to do so and are already celebrities. Celebrities are human beings too. They're not immune to fears and concerns that we non-celebrities assume are normal. 

I would also like to see an opening up of the musical world so that there's greater diversity, including gender diversity, lesbians, and gay men. The more diversity the more talent and general interest it generates. A gay cellist or singer doesn't play or sing differently from a straight cellist or singer. They play or sing differently only because every individual is different and brings a dimension to their playing or singing that gives them an unique voice.